You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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