better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
