Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
