she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
