i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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