I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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