The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
