party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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