Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
