Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
