Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
