$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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