I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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