It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
