this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize