Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was confusing and full of hummus
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
