sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
