I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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