Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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