So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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