just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
