The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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