I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
