: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
