Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
