Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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