Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
