i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
