3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
