I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
