She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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