I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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