i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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