In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
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He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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