I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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