Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
