saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
And then he peed in my hair
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