Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
