I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
