This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
