I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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