last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
