remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
