you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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