I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
