I just threw up on my dentist
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
