sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
