I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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