Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Jerry, you need to find god
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
