I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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