I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
