I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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