WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
