This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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