It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
