as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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