My underwear smells like fireworks.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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