Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize